Talking Movies

July 3, 2018

From the Archives: Donkey Punch

Another deep dive into the pre-Talking Movies archives uncovers a forgotten British horror movie of some sleaziness whose director subsequently helmed only one more movie before retreating to television work.

 

Oh lord, fresh from the brain-rattling nightmare of trying to explain what Teeth was about along comes Donkey Punch. Half the film critics in the world will just have thrown out the thesaurus at this point in trying to come up with euphemisms…

After her boyfriend cheats on her Nichola Burley is dragged along to Spain by her friends; including Jaime Winstone, Ray Winstone’s daughter, which automatically improves her chances of survival. Once there they meet three guys who suggest they go back to the yacht they crew while the owner is away. They follow and find Robert Boulter’s Sean, the only sensible character in this film apart from Burley’s Tammi, who isn’t happy with their plans. All the characters pop E and get drunk and Tom Burke’s obnoxious Bluey (think Brian Austin Green with a harelip) starts to boast about his sexual exploits in an incredibly annoying faux-Jamaican accent. Sean and Tammi remain on deck while the others go beneath for an orgy with a video camera (remember that, it’ll come in important later) that captures the fatal moment when the titular sexual manoeuvre is performed.

A great feeling of dread is efficiently built up from the moment the guys suggest going back to the boat. After that the situation becomes Lord of the Flies – on a Boat in a quite realistic fashion, and for a long while everything is uneasy and tense but then one of the characters suffers a stupidity leak and after there’s death by flare gun, hand-held propeller, and plausibility is shoved overboard. The makers have quite obviously no idea how to end their film, or even what genre to end it in it. Donkey Punch is a good film that falls apart, but what’s far more interesting is that director Ollie Blackburn shows not a little bit of flair in his long tracking camera movements along the corridors of this opulent yacht.

It does also provide one genuinely great moment between the two surviving girls when trapped in a room one of them makes a suggestion to be met with the riposte: “You want me to run thru a glass door? You do it! You’re heavier…”

3/5

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