EXT.SPANISH VILLA, LOS ANGELES-DAY
LEONARDO DICAPRIO walks up the drive to the villa and rings the doorbell.
TITLE: LAST SATURDAY MORNING IN HOLLYWOOD…
While he waits he takes out his phone and scrolls down a list of names.
CLOSE ON: Delaney. Agent, friend of Micawber-Mycroft, likes potted plants.
DELANEY, an agent to the stars, opens the door, looking more confused than usual.
DICAPRIO: Well, good morning, Delaney.
DELANEY: Uh, hello.
DICAPRIO: (Brushing past him) Thanks for inviting me into your home.
DELANEY: I didn’t actually…
Delaney shuts the door and turns around to see DiCaprio stroking the leaves of a fern.
DICAPRIO: It’s nice to see someone else who appreciates the comfort a good potted plant can give to a residence.
DELANEY: Do you like potted plants too?
DICAPRIO: Absolutely. Absolutely! I knew when Christopher Nolan mentioned that you were a devotee of potted plants that you were my kind of man.
DELANEY: But, I don’t know Christopher Nolan.
DICAPRIO: Pssshh! Nolan knows Micawber-Mycroft, you know Micawber-Mycroft, and so I feel like I really know you. We men of potted plants.
DELANEY: Did Mycroft give you my address?
DICAPRIO: No, I looked it up in the Academy’s records office.
DELANEY: Are they allowed to just give out members’ addresses like that?!
DICAPRIO: Well, it’s not strictly speaking legal. (He gives Delaney a dazzling smile. A smile that understood him just as far as Delaney wanted to be understood, and believed in him as Delaney would like to believe in himself. Delaney blinks.)
DICAPRIO: I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve called on you this fine morning.
DELANEY: It had crossed my mind. It’s very early.
DICAPRIO: Early?! Good God man, it’s very nearly 9am. You’re the fourth person I’ve called on this morning. I’d like to talk to you about my Oscar.
DELANEY: You want an Oscar for The Revenant?
DICAPRIO: Yes, I do. Let’s face it. It’s time.
DiCaprio turns and walks into the kitchen. Delaney picks up a watering-can from the floor beside the fern, and follows him. He sets to loving work on a potted plant sitting on the kitchen island that DiCaprio is now lounging against.
DICAPRIO: We gardeners, we understand the virtue of patience. We understand nourishing. I’ve paid my dues. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? The Aviator. Blood Diamond. The Wolf of Wall Street. Now, like a yucca, I am finally flowering.
DELANEY: But, about The Revenant…
DICAPRIO: It was so cold, so bitterly cold, but I acted my heart out. Let me explain something of my method. When I was lighting gunpowder on my face to cauterise a wound how did I convey the appropriate amount of pain?
DELANEY: I don’t know.
DICAPRIO: I thought about how I got beaten for my subtle portrayal of intellectual diffability by Tommy Lee Jones doing his Tommy Lee Jones gruff shtick.
DELANEY: Yes, but about The Revenant…
DICAPRIO: When I dragged myself out of the shallow grave I channelled the fury and determination that I felt when, after saving Scorsese from making Nicolas Cage movies and Tibet travelogues, I didn’t win an Oscar for playing a true-life figure struggling with mental health issues.
DELANEY: See, about The Revenant…
DICAPRIO: When I had to float down through rapids in freezing water I thought about how with Blood Diamond I’d made a socially responsible film with a socially responsible director, nailed a tricky accent, and still didn’t win an Oscar. What is freezing water compared to that agony?
DELANEY: It’s just that The Revenant…
DICAPRIO: When I had to eat raw bison liver I just howled inwardly, thinking if I act like an actual wolf maybe they might regret snubbing me as The Wolf of Wall Street.
DELANEY: Mycroft thinks The Revenant is a Discovery special, not high art!
DiCaprio stares at Delaney. Delaney looks at the floor. DiCaprio sighs.
DICAPRIO: Look, I didn’t want to bring it up. But, for The Revenant’s big scene I, I… Well look, I’ll just come straight out and say it. I was… ((leans forward to Delaney’s ear, whispers inaudibly).
DELANEY: (recoils in horror) NO!!!! NO!! Really?!
DICAPRIO: Yes, for the sake of art. Whatever it takes to get the Oscar, Delaney, whatever it takes.
DELANEY: Well that changes everything. I’ll have to call Janine right now.
DELANEY: My secretary. She handles all my paperwork.
DICAPRIO: Oh. Well, you call right away. I’ll just sit here. (Smiles at him again.)
DELANEY: (fumbles with his phone) Janine! (beat) Yes, I know today is Saturday, but Leonardo DiCaprio is in my villa. (beat) Really! (beat) He’s doing the Gatsby smile, Janine, I think I can tell whether it’s him or a conman. I want to give him my vote for Best Actor. The poor guy was… (whispers inaudibly).
DiCaprio smiles, takes out his phone and starts scrolling down a list of names again
DELANEY: What do you mean he wasn’t? He’s sitting right here, I’m telling you, and he says he was.
DiCaprio pockets the phone, and leans forward, looking concerned.
DELANEY: What difference does it make if the bear was female? What are you trying to say? Is this a trick question to make me commit a micro-aggression? Wait, the bear was CGI? So he couldn’t have been–
DiCaprio bolts from the kitchen island, and glad-hands Delaney in passing.
DICAPRIO: Delaney, it’s been great catching up. Keep watering that plant now.